It’s been a good year folks! Well, for some people at least. It probably wasn’t a good year if you are Japan, or Pakistan, or Israel, or Indonesia, or Thailand, or the US, or Greece, or Germany, or London, or China, or Africa, or Syria, or Egypt, or Philippines, or if you were birds or fishes, or if you are Australia and New Zealand. Heh… thought I forgot about you for a minute there, didn’t you?
It would’ve been a good year for you if you were a movie sequel; there were many of you, and much to everyones surprise, some of you didn’t suck like a freshly baked turd-biscuit. I personally liked Fast Five, Harry Potter: The Deathly Hallows Part 2, Cars 2, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, X-Men: First Class, Johnny English Reborn and Rise of the Apes, didn’t care much for Transformers 3, Kung Fu Panda 2, Happy Feet 2, Hangover Part 2, Paranormal Activity 3, Final Destination 5, Puss in Boots, and god damn, that’s not even the end, movies like Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (really? seriously?), The Muppets, Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol and the crap-nado that is Twilight were all in 2011. So, apparently Hollywood decided to pretty much flush originality down the toilet and milk the cash cows all the way to the bank, but worry not! The world of video gaming is here to save us! Or are they…?
Batman: Arkham City, Deus Ex: Human Revolution, Dragon Age 2, The Witcher 2, Elder Scrolls 5: Skyrim, Gears of War 3, Portal 2, Dead Space 2, Crysis 2 (DX11), Saints Row 3, Assassins’ Creed Revelations, and of course, Modern Warfare 3 and Battlefield 3. Although, compared to the Hollywood money laundering con-job, the games of 2011 weren’t bad at all, in fact, far from it. All the games above are among the best in their series, and the same could be said for the upcoming ones like Diablo 3, Mass Effect 3 and Bioshock: Infinity.
If you’ve, like me, developed a sort-of instinctive fear of titles with numbers behind them, there were a few very original movies and games and would restore your faith in human creativity, movies like Paul, Source Code, Your Highness, Super 8,and Cowboys and Aliens. Video games like Bastion, Orcs Must Die, L.A. Noire, Limbo, Minecraft, Rage, and Star Wars: The Old Republic. I must say, it has been a very good year for PC gaming, and that alone has made me a happy camper.
Moving on to my third favorite pastime, and like many people with a basic brain function and a pulse, I have the power to choose what I want to watch and what I don’t. Therefore, I don’t watch Jersey Shore, I don’t know what The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is, and I definitely stay the fuck away from I Hate My Teenage Daughter, although I would really like to meet the person who made that show, he probably has too many teeth or a un-bruised eye, poor guy. The good shows like Game of Thrones, Weeds, Modern Family, The Simpsons, The Big Bang Theory, Terra Nova and Futurama remain thankfully good, unfortunately the same can’t be said for Gossip Girl, How I Met Your Mother, Glee, The Walking Dead and of course, that crippled, terminally ill child that should’ve been mercy killed the shit out of, Two and a Half Men.
I really must say, I urge Hollywood writers with any shred of creativity to drop that Hollywood shit like it’s hot and move to the video game industry. I honestly believe that video games have better storylines than most of the migraine inducing, wallet robbing, time draining, 3D tainted, eye-raping shit stains we see in the cinemas and on TV. I mean really, most games nowadays are like interactive movies already anyway.
On to more serious stuff now: The world in still in shambles, economies are on tight ropes, governments are on the sizzling plates. The Eurozone is crumbling to its knees, with Greece being the ball and chain and Germany hoping to bail that shit-storm, the massive greed, corruption and all-round mind-fuckery of the American government and banks has been revealed to the world, but ironically, other than the Occupy Wallstreet movement, no one else has taken to the streets, unlike Syria, Egypt and the lot, whose governments know what it’s like to be ass-raped by its own people, which I think is what Americans should start doing to their own government.
In all seriousness though, regarding the ongoing presidential farce, with nut-jobs like Herman Cain, Rick Perry, Newt Gingrich and that anal wart Mitt Romney, all spouting verbal diarrhea, I’m surprised Americans haven’t committed mass suicide. Personally, I hope Obama gets re-elected, with Donald Trump replacing him after that. Wouldn’t that be fun?
In other highlights of the year, Prince William is balding… also he got married, not that it affects the world in any meaningful way, but for some reason the whole world stopped for a second nevertheless. Osama got his face surgically removed with bullets by SEAL Team 6 and subsequently his body got flushed down the toilet. Obama was pretty proud of finally accomplishing the gargantuan task of killing a bearded sick old man hiding in a dilapidated apartment right beside a Pakistani military compound (which is supposedly allied with Obama). Along with Osama, Gaddafi and Kim Jong-Il kicked the twisted dictator bucket, add Ryan Dunn and the world has lost three great comedians. Steve Jobs died… no, I don’t really care.
Some Christians thought that May 21st was the end of the world, Rapture, they call it, and surprisingly(!), turns out they were wrong, twice. Anonymous and LulSec, which are actually partly the same people, fucked around with Sony, Fox Networks, the CIA and some say the Malaysian government (right…), for, apparently, the lulz. Imagine that. Charlie Sheen had a massive ‘meltdown’, I think he just got tired of all the bullshit, but then he almost died and nobody even attempted to do anything. The dude is probably drunk off his ass now, lying in a posh hotel by the beach with models all around him and all the money he could ever need, poor soul.
George Lucas is growing senile and attempting to commit incest by ass-raping his own child, by child of course I mean the Star Wars movies. Rebecca Black showed the world that you can’t do anything you like on the internet, because if you do something that others don’t like, you will be abused and your life will be threatened and you will have to drop out of school and be on self-sentenced house arrest for the rest of your life, even if what you did had no real impact what-so-ever to anyone living or dead on this planet or anywhere else.
I’ve also realized that songs playing on the radio are complete ear-molesting shit; I came to the conclusion that I am too old for Katy Perry or Nicki Minaj or Lady Gaga or Rihanna or Britney Spears or Taylor Swift or Jason Derulo or Justin Bieber or Bruno Mars or Selena Gomez or Flo Rida or T-Pain or Nelly. In addition, I have also somehow developed an irrational burning hatred for The Black Eyed Peas, Adele and LMFAO, it’s probably my fault, I have a low tolerance for nonsensical bullshit.
And that seems to have been the theme for the past year: Nonsensical Bullshit. During these last few days of the year though, I am slightly impressed that we, as a human race, managed to postpone our imminent, impending and inevitable doom for another year. Everybody is thinking it, relatively little progress has been made, technologically or even culturally. It’s like we’ve reached a critical, saturated point. Something has got to give, nobody knows when, and so far we’re coasting along on this shit-wave, just waiting to slam our faces into the rocks, like firing toufu through a cannon at a wall. Graphic, I know.
Happy New Year folks! 
